| newness! |
[22 Oct 2006|06:10am] |
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mood |
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 silly |
] |
I have a new livejournal. Yep, it's pretty crazy. Behold! ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) vitupera
So. Plz to be adding, thx. I will start leaving comments in that journal, and you shall be all like, "who the fuck is vitupera?" unless you are friendslocked, in which case you will be like, "I wonder why utena_kun leaves even *less* notes than she used to?"
Good god, it's quarter past six. I need to Get the Fuck to Bed. O.O
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| Oh man, I wish someone would go to this with me! |
[20 Oct 2006|03:45pm] |
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mood |
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silly |
] |
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music |
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Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicle- Ship of Fools |
] |
Hedwig and the Angry Inch Sing-along!
In other news, I have been Plotting. Oh, yes. Will move to a new LJ soon, as soon as the layout is done. It's seriously been one of the most troublesome layouts ever, because I worked so hard to make the ads work with it. >.<;; And, like always, I've been yea busy.
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| daaaamn, remember when we used to listen to Max? |
[15 Aug 2006|12:16am] |
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mood |
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 happy, if tired |
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music |
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Max- Kiss Me Kiss Me Baby |
] |
Mom: "I still can't believe that robber was saying 'Hey, why are you hassling me?' when he was tresspassing in my yard!"
---
Work is a bit difficult. I had to back out of the webdesign project, which was lousy. Now I have visions of Karin sighing, tsking and writing me off as completely irresponsible. @.@ I also have a lot of work to finish before Thursday's operation. As in... quite a lot. 32 years, to be precise. I'll, um, get through it. @.@;;
---
As for my little birthday get-together, it was great! Alyssa and I met up and trawled Chinatown for awhile, eating dumplings and ogling anime merchandise. I got an utterly gratuitous Icha Icha Paradise magnet, and you know what? I regret nothing! Then we found an awesome Tsubasa Resevoir necklace, only in gold, which looks much better. ^_^ Alyssa got it for me! The way anniversaries are wood or china or whatever, my 20th birthday is "necklace." ^___________^ Then we hopped on down to Book Off and I found the raw 6th volume of Tokyo Babylon.
Me: *stop. pick up. stop.*
Alyssa: ...Hey, that's the one you've been looking for since, like, junior year of high school, isn't it?
Me: Now why would you think that?
Yes. Yes, it is. I now have all of TB.
Then, we found X tankubon! Not *quite* as cheap as the first time we ever went to Book Off-- they were $3 now instead of $2, oh dearie-- but I picked up a bunch, you can believe it. In fact, I wasn't even entirely sure which I already had and which I didn't, so I just picked up everything I was in doubt on. XD;; Only wound up with one double, too! And no gaps. Yes. X1 to X18. YES. FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW:
I OWN X, BITCHES.And I owe it in part to you guys, Marissa, Michi, and Alyssa. Remember the times you guys got me volumes for Christmas or my birthday or whatever? For this, I will love you forever. ^______^
We met up with Marissa, then by chance with some of Alyssa's crazy friends, and headed to this place called Pizza by the Pound. It is yea cheap and yea good! I wish there was one near BU. ^_^;;
And then there was the chocolate place, which is bloody amazing. The man who owns the franchise? A kook. XD What else can you say about a man who invites you to "watch, smell, taste and feel" his "love story?" Ok, but only if you waive your right to press charges.
Marissa and I split the chocolate fondue and the chocolate pizza together. (Of course it was too much-- we each took home some of the pizza, which was absolutely brilliant strategy, as it turned out the next day. ^_^) It was amazing. I'm not going to bother to put it into words; just go, and whatever you do, get the damn fondue.
The next day, we (Alyssa, Marissa and I) hung out again, and Rob was there too. Hadn't seen him in a while. ^_^ I followed Marissa home like a stalker, and she had to give me presents to appease me. A book I plan to save for the day I'll be kind of groggy and laid up, and a gorgeous mother-of-pearl necklace. See, what'd I tell you about my 20th? XD
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| this is a very good time to indulge in chocolate! |
[10 Aug 2006|11:12pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
] |
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music |
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Depeche Mode- Personal Jesus |
] |
So I have a plan for my little birthday thing! I mean, it's better than my general way of leaving everything to the last second, so hey. ^_^;; I'll get a little bit of work done in the morning, meet Alyssa and Marissa in Chinatown at 3:30ish, hang out a bit, then meander over to Union Square for dinner and this nifty new chocolate place for dinner. Hooray!
I need to hang out with everyone now, see, because I'm going to be all knocked out on the 18th from oral surgery and then we're leaving on vacation on the 20th. T_T;; Goodbye, wisdom teeth. I hardly knew ye. Damn you anyway for coming in fucking diagonal.
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| SWAG! |
[07 Aug 2006|09:52pm] |
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mood |
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materialistic urge triumphant! |
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music |
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The Ballad of Sweeney Todd [ALL NOT BOUGHT FROM ITUNES NOW] |
] |
I got a shipment from Amazon today that has me DAMN excited. Now I have to be all greedy and gloating and shit.
From my parents: The Sweeney Todd broadway cast recording (2005). Michael Cerveris is fucking hot. And I am firmly in favor of musicals concerning demon barbers and cannibalism. And the big present? X. ALL OF IT. ON DVD. NOT PIRATED.
I OWN X, BITCHES.From Linda: Yuko's necklace! It is to squee.
From Julia: A terribly hot Yuko shirt. She even got the sleeves ruffled, which is craziness, and moreover, she did it all in something like a week. Instead of, you know, yelling at me for asking for it in the middle of July and telling me to go to hell. ^__________^
From myself: An obscenely expensive yet amazingly hot Yuko shitajiki (might there be some sort of theme to this year's Otakon? Maybe?), three XXX-Holic mini-folders, a signed 9th Elsewhere poster and two buttons, crazy cool jewelry, and a new lj layout. A summer one, even though summer is two thirds over. But, hey, who's counting. ^_^;;
-----
So I want to do something for my birthday. Marissa, Alyssa, Chase, Michi, anyone else who reads this thing and is vaguely near Hoboken, what say you to Saturday?
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| Heavy fruit |
[30 Apr 2006|03:27am] |
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mood |
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weird |
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music |
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Garbage- Begging Bone |
] |
Things happened, and didn't. Words failed me. Oh yeah, and I watched a metric fuckton of Batman the animated series while vaguely sloshed on rum and too little sleep, so that probably had something to do with the general brain incapcitation.
"It's okay to be afraid of what's inside another mind... It's okay to be afraid of finding out you really care."
Right now I owe someone an end. Maybe because he didn't get a good clean one before, when it would have mattered more and made things better. Maybe because it's fucking ridiculous for me to mince and second-guess. Oh yeah, and that goes double for relaying things via the Julia-Charlie circuit, no matter how tolerant they may be of it, seeing as how that particular telephone-game approach to interpersonal relationships went out in about eight fucking grade. And, last but not least, because he's apparently okay with letting things lie, and that's really not the way to go. So I'll do it, friendly-like. Oh hell, neither of us will enjoy it, and I'm going to feel hella fucking stupid. XD But you pay a little for your pleasure.
Julia and I went for a good long walk today, and I heard something that made me really happy. It's one thing to think you're doing okay, that you've got your priorities right and you're living about as straight as you can. It's another thing to hear that, not because of advice you gave or something you tried to do but because of how you lived, you've helped someone change, and be happier for that change. It's something that makes me worthwhile, in a way that 4.0 in every class just couldn't.
And on a totally different and deliciously corporate note, when looking at your friends page, does my journal drag ads in? Because I like getting more icons for free, but if it's fucking with people's friends pages I'd just as soon leave it.
---
Dominate
Dominate always sounds like kink to me these days, I wonder if that's okay or not. Maturity versus taint, pick your poison. I said, once not too long ago, that becoming sexual changes certain things about your viewpoint. And you know, he agreed. And then thanked me.
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| what'll it be, then... |
[25 Apr 2006|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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Tool- Reflection |
] |
Well okay, the thing with AX does indeed sadden me, but things have been more or less looking up. Going into the last two weeks of the semester with two papers as-yet unfinished, but there's no reason not to think I'll get them done if I just sit down and actually work. And this past weekend was very fun! A lot of pleasant surprises. ^_^
On Friday, I had the little dinner party at Prof. Ricks' house with the rest of my class, and that was awesome. This time around, I'm a little more at ease with most of my classmates... or, at least, since I've been for two semesters with most of them, at least I can name them... >.>;; There was a grad student present who told this horrible story about a guy he used to know when he lived in the south somewhere. This guy really liked peacocks, so he bought a whole bunch, but only afterwards he realized that he couldn't stand the racket they made. So he bought chickens, and practiced cutting out their vocal cords with a pair of scissors until he could do it without killing the chicken. Then he muted all his peacocks. o.O;;
At one point one of my classmates mentioned that he thought the Core banquet was rather dull without Dean Johnson there. It's true, someone else probably would have been better than Eckel at preparing closing remarks, but then again, I think our banquet had its own charming character. "Are we done here? Yeah, I guess we're done," is actually a philosophical end to two years intense study of classical literature, philosophy and art: discuss. XP
For Saturday morning, I had signed up for some temp work: four hours as part of a test jury, for $60. Actually, I thought it was pretty interesting. Very late Friday night I had signed up spur-of-the-moment for a pro-choice protest over in Copley Square that started right after the temp stuff, so I just headed straight over. There were Planned Parenthood protesters on both sides of the street in front of the Public Library, but it was a small thing, so there were no pro-lifers. Just as well, I wanted to start small for my first protest. XD;; I grabbed a sign and stood with Shirley, and we yelled and cheered and waved our signs around for a couple hours, even though the wind was extremely cold. But! There was an AP photographer there, so Shirley and I made the news: }click{
What strikes me the most about those pictures, though, is that out of all of them, she and I are the only ones who, uh, look like we're having fun. XD;; Eh, maybe we're not serious enough! But it was fun; we rewarded those who honked at the "honk for women's health rights" sign with cheers. Seeing as there was no counter-protest, no one was really nasty or anything. There was even a very hippie guy going around with two big shopping bags, offering protesters oranges or muffins. He'd gotten them from dumpster-diving Trader Joe's. XD But, he assured me the seal on the muffins had been intact, and, well, I ate one. (I'd had no lunch!) It was good, and I'm still alive, so I guess it all worked out quite well, really.
I was pleasantly surprised by how old some of the protesters were, actually. Middle-aged women, some old women, one white-haired guy. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by how many guys honked.
Saturday night I went to visit a friend, which was very cool. Grudgingly did work on Sunday, and sent a care package out to Matt today. Most likely the last, because he only has a month left (and will probably only get it in two weeks) and the postage is KILLING me. T_T;;
---
Retrospect
In retrospect, things were bad-- well, terrible-- and got good. Is my life a comedy, then? All I know is, it's a waste to wait for the other shoe to drop.
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| this rant gets its own entry |
[25 Apr 2006|03:50pm] |
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mood |
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 shellshocked |
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music |
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X-Japan- Art of Life |
] |
BUH.
...No, I don't think I can swing it.
Which is a shame, because I actually came sort of close. Just not close enough.
I could get free airfare out to LAX. Since I can't possibly scrape up the money for a room, and would rather not trawl the forum for strangers who need an extra body, I considered flying out very early July 1 (their panel is on the first day), getting a one-day pass, and flying back to Newark that night. But it's at least an hour from LAX to Anaheim. (40 minutes? In LA? Sure.) That's quite a bit of cab fare. Actual admission to the con, who knows if I could get that money together? Who knows what kind of job I'll have, and if I could get that Saturday off? And, to effectively kill it, the airline has "blackout days" where my voucher won't work and yes, July 1 is a blackout day.
It's too bad. I would've traded the L'Arc~en~Ciel concert for this.
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| Night-blooming flowers |
[22 Apr 2006|01:20am] |
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music |
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Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here |
] |
In some very sharp and obvious ways, this semester has been terrible. I've had days-- far more than I'd like-- where I cried myself to sleep, or just sat at my desk and wept, and felt no better afterwards. But tonight, riding back home from Ricks' dinner party, I realized that in other ways, this semester has been wonderful. I've gotten closer to some people I really admire and care for. Even though Matt and I miss each other so badly, none of the problems we've faced have ever come between us. And I have people who love me, and I'm not afraid to love them in return. I really am very lucky.
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| and then the random quote to even things out |
[17 Apr 2006|04:21am] |
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music |
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Geeks in Love |
] |
"If I switched from being angsty to pervy any faster, I'd give you whiplash." - Matt
...I assure you, however much love one would think I'm sending to Budapest at the moment, I am doubling that. Easily. And in my sleep. XD
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| Keeping secrets |
[17 Apr 2006|03:40am] |
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mood |
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 perhaps a little tired |
] |
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music |
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X-Japan- Art of Life |
] |
Here are some of the things I don't know about: the clouds over Kansas City. How her eyes sparkle. What his alarm clock sounds like. And, yes, all of their... sizes. My god, that's all anyone cares about. -.-
At some point, I started lying, or at least omitting things. Rephrasing the truth. But it seemed okay, because it was only when I needed to, and only to my parents. You know. Would it kill them to cut back on the yelling a little?
Then sophomore year of high school, very snug in Musical Theatre, I went on the retreat, and it was clarifying, amazing, beyond words. On the surface, we were working on the show. In my case, I felt like I was detoxing, taking a step back from the stress I felt at home, growing incredibly close to my friends in Musical Theatre. And more than anyone else, I loved Marissa, Michele, Frank... and, of course, Alex. I admired them, I depended on them. I returned from that retreat just bubbling over, really, with happiness and excitement for the show. I excitedly talked about what a wonderful trip it had been, and told my parents, when they asked, that I had shared a room with Michele and Frank. They were furious, both of them, screamed at me for not protesting it, and decided they would complain to the school in hopes of getting Alex fired.
I couldn't have understood it then, and don't understand it very well now. On a very superficial level it looks suspicious, but anyone who knew Frank and I at all would know the idea of rape was laughable. That's really all there is to it. Frank was no more capable of (or inclined towards) raping me than he was of sprouting wings and flying to the goddamn moon.
I don't remember the fine details of that night, thankfully. At some point, convinced Alex would lose his job and it was my damn fault, I retreated to the basement to see how the scissors might comfort me. I suppose it was a net gain in the end. My parents dropped the issue, at my insistent pleading. And it was a step towards finally fucking wising up to how the blades were helping less and less each time.
Still, what stuck with me was this lingering certainty that I could tell my parents even less than I'd previously anticipated. Getting a B on a quiz, that was a no-brainer, but I trusted Frank and Alex so much, how could I have guessed they would be suspicious of my quasi-semi-brother and father?
Several years later, I told a friend something that was admittedly a little strange, but not something I considered a big deal. Somehow, he took it in ways I completely did not expect, and our friendship has suffered to this day. And while that was more of a slow burn than a one-night panic, I heard the same lesson being repeated to me: You don't always know these people as well as you think you do. You don't always know what they can handle, and how they can make you miserable if they don't like what they hear. You need to be more careful. You need to be less honest. I really hated it, but I couldn't see any other way clear for myself. I started "omitting" things, the weird things, the things people might misunderstand. But now, not only to my parents, but also to those people I supposedly trusted more than anything.
For a while, it was all in good faith, the things that would just make people needlessly uneasy or freaked out. Now, though, I've newly acquired one juicy little piece of gossip. One little bit of evidence to say hey, I'm not always looking out for the people I know, sometimes, I am selfish. Sometimes I just take, because I want something badly enough. And the weird thing is, even though I know that I'm behaving badly-- I'm selfish but not ashamed. Maybe the real secret-- and to hell with it, you can all know-- is that I've lost my shame.
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| keep talking... |
[28 Mar 2006|02:37am] |
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mood |
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 none too proud, evidently! |
] |
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music |
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Loop-Line- Flow |
] |
Alas, the rumors are true: I am broke, strapped for cash, living beyond my means, and so on. The money I earned over the summer is completely gone; anything I spend now, humiliatingly, comes from my parents. So, though crazy!roomie is a never-ending fountainhead of annoyance for me, when she offers me a five to copy her notes, to be perfectly honest, I take note. Hell, I even put up with her piping little, "You're my hired secretary!"
Well, let's see. A summer job as a lawyer's secretary nets me $10 an hour. $5 for less than ten minutes' work feeding papers into a printer? Hmm... yeah. For these rates, baby, I could be.
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| To consider: |
[25 Mar 2006|12:37am] |
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mood |
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silly |
] |
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music |
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Beat Crusaders- Hit in the USA |
] |
I currently have a pint glass full of chai in front of me.
Maybe I should wash some cups.
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| walking the emerald necklace |
[10 Feb 2006|06:31pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Bôa- Daylight |
] |
I don't know Boston's neighborhoods so well as to be able to describe how busy their sidewalks get during the day. I imagine the business district is swamped at opening and lunchtime, but I am either asleep or in class then. Even though Commonwealth Avenue runs into Kenmore Square, which is fairly crowded with students, stores and restaurants, as you follow Comm Ave. into Boston and leave Kenmore behind, it becomes quiet and residential. Even though parts of it are hardly three blocks from trendy, Soho-esque Newbury St., even though the Prudential Center and the John Hancock building (a shopping mall and big business skyscraper respectively) loom over the right side of the street, and even though Comm Ave. itself is easily as wide as or wider than Fifth Avenue, at 2:45 pm, it is as quiet as a residential side street in Greenwich Village.
It's possible this is because Bostonians have a really marked aversion to college students, and maybe they avoid a whole radius around Boston University. More likely it's partly due to the fact that Comm Ave. has only four lanes of traffic. Down the middle of the road, in a mimicry of the Champs-Elysee, there is a wide swath of grass, with a little paved walkway lined with big, old trees. Even without leaves, it's very pleasant-- and certainly nicer than a concrete island-- but still, I never wind up walking in the park area anyway.
The thing is, the view from the sidewalk, past the houses, is too beautiful to pass up. On the sunny side of the street, the houses are old, cozy, and the right kind of rich-- detailed and beautiful, not enormous and ostentatious. You can walk, and admire, and stop as you wish to catch all the details, like finding a museum piece out from under its glass:
A row of flowers done in wrought-iron, five-pointed like little stars and petals curling like they had just bloomed. Flowers in two bright and shining copper planters. A small and perfectly carved round stone facade like a castle turret. Big, blooming sunflowers chipped out of terracotta-colored stone, intricate and densely woven iron railings, green smudges from old and weathered copper trim, small jewel-like stained glass windows, dozens of curling embellishments traced out in railings: flowers, hearts, spirals and curlicues, all sorts of fleurs-de-lis.
I still had one class left, so eventually I turned and retraced my steps. A couple blocks from Kenmore, I passed a large, vacant house bearing signs of construction. It had wide, low steps in front, and there was a couple sitting on the steps, just relaxing.
The girl had a grocery bag, and was pulling out japanese fruit gummies, unwrapping them and feeding every other one to her boyfriend. She didn't have a coat-- in fact, she only wore a tank top-- but she didn't look cold. Her boyfriend had rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, and was dressed lightly in khakis and birkenstocks. His hair was long, gathered in a ponytail that curled at the ends. Hers was pin-straight and fell past her shoulders. They were talking quietly, sitting shoulder to shoulder and wouldn't have noticed if a tank had rolled by. I smiled at them, and continued on my way.
Today was a very cold but bright day, the best to be had in winter, and it made such a difference.
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[03 Feb 2006|02:35am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Peter Gresser- Gone |
] |
Today (well, technically, yesterday) I spent $45 at the post office.
Not on a cd or dvd for myself. Not on the presents that were getting sent. I spent forty-five dollars on packaging and shipping.
I'll be in the corner, weeping over my effectively dead bank account.
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| 'cause hellbait went all crazy and tagged me |
[31 Jan 2006|02:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 MEMEMEMEMEME |
] |
List your six current favorite songs, then tag six friends to do the same.
In no real order:
+ Tsubasa Chronicle- A Song of Storm and Fire [*love!*]
+ Blue Oyster Cult- Don't Fear the Reaper
+ Moody Blues- Nights in White Satin [yes, Lee, the only thing I did was change : to -. Once again, your music trumps mine.]
+ Choke Sleeper- Leave Me Alone
+ The Dying Breed- My World Down [BECK EATING MY BRAIN]
+ Garbage- Sex is Not the Enemy
...and I'm tagging:
+ glamourcharm [AHAHAHAHAHAHA... er... I really need sleep.]
+ majueen
+ visceral_pus
+ cardxiv
+ backwardschaos
+ shadowcat2012
+ AND kbrighton, but only because I know you're NEVER EVER on lj and therefore this doesn't count.
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| Ca n'est pas une update. |
[31 Jan 2006|12:40am] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Choke Sleeper- Leave Me Alone |
] |
If it were a real update, it would have information, instead of the same non-icon repeated ad infinitum.
(Yep, yep, joined icontest100. Craziness. I need to hurry up and submit something before my claim goes, but this will be the only post of it.)
---
belonging
There is a paradox in being told, always, that you need somewhere to belong, that this is all you need, that no one can be without it. And when you have found that place and you belong, a thousand whispers from ever corner bring the spiteful message to your ears: No you don't, you are too young, you do not know, no you don't. A thousand lips and tongues trying to forget how the first kiss tasted, trying to forget that while life is first and foremost before, beside and after love, there is also something wrong with not cleaving to the first person you truly love.
---
<td bgcolor="#000000"></td><td bgcolor="#000000" width="300">50 THEMES</td><td bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr> |  | | ( Cut for great justice. And, you know, SANITY. )
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| forget Miranda, here's the REAL reason: |
[22 Jan 2006|03:21pm] |
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mood |
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lighthearted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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X Character Album- Karen |
] |
Julia: I will never, ever, ever be able to understand River/Jayne fanfiction. How could that possibly appeal to anyone?
Me: There are just some things man was never meant to know. If we could comprehend that, we would be staring down into the black, bottomless Abyss, where formless vapors drift across the wretched void... and we would turn into reavers.
---
model
Model what? The pressure to be-- anything-- model student, sister, daughter, girlfriend. The implication that true love makes no demands is an absolute, absolute lie. The people who love us are always demanding that we be better, and who's the say that it detracts from their love?
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| reviving an old idea |
[22 Jan 2006|03:11am] |
Danke for allowing the new layout to go over so well, I honestly do enjoy it when my photoshopping gets complimented. (Who wouldn't? ^_^) Also, kindly go here, it's nifty. ^_^
I'm not sure why I ever stopped doing oneword, I always did enjoy it.
---
flee
"They flee from me that sometime did me seek..." Wasn't Wyatt just-- well, not "just," he was a gifted poet to be sure-- a hostile and misanthropic man? His court and king turned on him, and he lashed out at them in predictable manner. And yet there's something in his bitter paranoia, something softly rings a bell. "With naked foot stalking in my chamber," and don't we all, at some point, make this mistake? Don't we all admit someone into our deepest minds, and then regret ever opening that sanctum?
And wouldn't I like to say no, it's never a mistake, and wouldn't I like it even better if that were true?
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"practicing" for my paper